Sunday, June 06, 2010

blank

it's sunday. i woke up at 10 am.
looking my phone, the battery is dead.
too lazy to get out from my sleeping bag.
so, i crawl to the table to take my laptop.
switched it on.
facebook. play some mafia wars, galacticos football, and my town.
then i' finished.
sebab nk terkencing, so i get out jugak from the sleeping bag.
toilet, after that, make some coffee, and breakfast for myself.
get back in to my sleeping bag.
facebook again. start stalking my ex's like i usually do. every morning.
making sure they're okay.
yes they are. i'm glad. looking at some picture if theirs.
yeah. i miss them.
they are love,
they show me how to feel.
they make me feel happy.
maaf jika ku tidak sempurna.
looking at u now,
ure sooo happy.
all i can do, is taste a lil bit of ur happiness.
love,
u teach me a lot. u make me learn a lot.
and u show me a lot.

part I
my 1st love. :)
ure the most wonderful person that i ever met.
ermm..i know u from form 2 yea?
tuition? u live just across the street.
tapi masa tu, awak da ada boyfriend. :)
tapi saya kawan jugak dgn awak.
petang, jumpa awak kt taman atas.
awak masa tu tak tau pun saya suka awak.
sbb kalau sebut nama awak,
mesti orang akan cakap oh, awek *** ni.
saya sekolah lain, awak sekolah lain.
tapi kita satu sekolah agama sama2.
tu masa kita form 2, darjah 6 sekolah agama.
kita tak sekelas pun. tapi takpelah. dapat tgk awak kt tuition pun jadi lah. :)
masa form 3, kita masuk darjah khas. kelas hari sabtu.
kita sama kelas. :)
tapi, pergi kelas skejap je, pukul 1030 am, rehat,
lepastu balik. ponteng kelas.
awak tau tak, saya suka kat awak lagi.
tapi awak dgn dia lagi.
masa tu nak pmr.
mama suruh saya apply utk mrsm.
saya ikut je lah.
lepas pmr, saya rapat dgn awak.
awak baik. :)
masa tu, awak ngn boyfriend awak, ada masalah.
saya tau dia tak berapa baik. tapi saya tak tau nk ckp kt awak mcm mane.
saya diam je.
sebab kita makin rapat.
saya sayang awak.
satu hari tu, saya tanya awak macam mane dgn bf awak.
awak cakap macam tu la, macam takde ape2.
saya sedih awak cakap mcm tu,
tapi sebenarnya saya gembira sgt.
saya tau awak sedih. sbb awak sayang sgt dekat dia.
awak, saya takde ape2 nk bagi pada awak.
tapi ni lah saya kt depan awak, dan takkan bergerak selagi awak tak suruh saya bergerak.
satu hari tu, saya tanya awak, nak jadi gf saya tak.
awak, saya tak igt macam mane benda tu boleh berlaku.
awak tau lah saya ni pelupa. ehe.
awak kata awak sayang saya jugak.
saya suka sgt.
tapi, masa tu, saya da nk pergi mrsm dah.
saya dapat mrsm langkawi awak.
jauhnya. jauh betul dgn awak. :(
saya sedih.
nasib baik ada handphone kan?
saya happy sangat tau wak.
kalau lah saya lebih dekat pada awak waktu tu..
takkan saya lepaskan awak skejap pun.
dan saya akan tetap berdiri didepan awak.
tapi sayang, saya jauh.
tapi, tak lama lepas tu, awak balik pada dia.
walaupun saya tak suka.
tapi, saya rasa saya tidak mempunyai hak utk menghalang awak.
awak memilih dia.
saya memulangkan awak pada dia.
saya merelakan awak pergi.
walau pun saya tak mahu.
itulah kesilapan yang saya tak dapat lupakan sampai sekarang.
sebab sekarang, awak dgn org lain,
jauh lebih bahagia masa awak dgn dia dulu. bahkan dgn saya.
awak, saya tahu saya tidak dapat memberikan apa2 kepada awak.
kalau lah saya diberi masa yg lebih panjang.
namun saya yg membiarkan awak pergi.

part II

pada mula pengenalan i dgn u, u dgn org lain.
so, i just let the feeling go away.
but then we keep texting after u broke up with him,
and we become so close.
i remember that u text me using ur mom's phone.
it was hard to keep in touch with u.
but it was enough.
and i remember that i received 2 letters from u.
it was hand written.
ouh, that was so sweet.
sweetest moment of my life.
i kept the letter in my box at home.
it has been there sampai sekarang.
and i still look at em when i have time. :)
ure so sweet that i can't resist.
i dunno.
1 day become friends, 1day we become bestfriend, and next, we become lovers.
1st date with u was at the pizza hut.
i remember that time.
oh, we were so young at that time.
and i was so naive.
that was my 1st date.
whenever i have break, i come home,
and my mom wants me to go to tuition,
i try to registered the same tuition as urs.
:)
we walk together,
we talk, we sat on a bench together,
we laugh, we did everything together
eventho it wasn't that much,
but enough to make u happy.
i was so glad.
and when i have to go back to school,
trust me, i feel so sad.
not because i hate school,
but i hate being apart from u.
my parents know about us.
my mom was okay.
but not for my dad.
he's afraid that i might loose my focus on spm.
but its not true,
u know, ure my bench mark.
ure the strength to keep me study.
because, i was hoping that we could go to the same university and study together,
and i dun have to be apart from u anymore.
and then the spm results came out,
i got 8A's but u got 9A's
ahhh..i lost.
and surprisingly , my dad ask about ur result,
and i told him.
after that i realize that he's ok that i'm with u.
he knows i'm on the right track.
i guess so.
i was so happy.
but then, i have to go to plkn,
argh..why life has to be so cruel?
why? why?
and a night before i have to go,
i called u..
and it broke my heart.
when u say that u want us to live our life separately.
u said that u tried to love me,
but u can't.
i've been asking myself why ever since.
why now?
why why and why.
i cut the line with tears and pain.
and i have to away the next day.
2 and half months was a painful meaningless time at my life.
at one point, u wanna get back again,
i was so happy.
and i accept it without thinking.
because u're the one that i've been thinking for the past few months.
but it was a short time.
until u said it again. with the same reason.
after that, we never contacted each other again.
until,
a few months later, u contacted me back.
but i was with sumone else.
and u know that.
that was the reason why u're contacted me.
u said u were jealous.
if only we hadnt broke up, then, it will be u not her.
no one can melt my heart accept u and her.
we were not supposed to contact at the 1st place.
why must u showed up at that time?
why? why?
but deep inside, i was so happy.
because u said u were jealous.
and u said, u love me.
it shud been u instead.
and there it goes.
we keep texting. til i forgot that i was with someone else.
at that point, i was trying to break up with her.
u.. u..
u have no idea. what have u done to me..
i remember the time when i was at home. and i came to ur house,
we walk, we talk, we laugh, we were holding each other hands.
we take pictures together.
i am not gonna let u leave me again.
never. never.
i was blind.
i was deaf.
i was cruel.
because u were my weakness.

and i finally broke up with her.
and i tried to get back to u.
but u said, u cant.
u said, i'm too good for u.
u dont want to get back with me.
you..i've been wondering why.
why do u did this to me?

my 1st a level was a disaster.
i never studied.
i was among the bottom 4 in the overall results.
and then, i know u were already with someone else.
i cudnt stand up for my self.
i cudnt cry anymore.
ther were no tears left.
i dun even know what "sad" is.
i was just about to die.

my parents were so worried.
they were my lifeline.
they saved me when no one can.
and then, i saw my mom was crying in front of me.
she asked me what happened.
she was afraid that i took drugs.
i cudnt stand it anymore.
i hugged her.
and i told her everything from the start.
with my tears roll down..

they helped me stand back.
to forget everything.
they visited me once a month.
i was able to smile again.
no one knws my pain.
except them.
until i manage to score on my final,
i got 13 out of 15. enough to let me further my study at overseas.
i hugged my dad and my mom with tears.
i was so happy.

i took everything, as a process of learning.
when ppl said, "dont look back, look foward"
for me, u have to look back..
without it, u cant be what u are now.
u look foward, but dont u never look back.
it keeps me on track.
it keeps me on the rite path.
i know i'm on the right path.
this is what i am now.
i've grown up.

looking at myself,
what i've become today.
i am so proud of myself.
i'm happy.
i have bestfriends, i have friends, i have my family,
and i still have my part I & II as my bestfriends.
all of them are my lovers.
i am a happy man.
i am happy for them.
i don't have regrets.
i am happy for them.

well, actually it's monday today.
i have so many things to write here.
but thats it for now.
i wanna study.


15 comments:

Fharina said...

sad :(

syafiq kadir said...

oh don't be sad. :)
this is who i am now.
i wanna write more.
it will be continued.
i miss you so bad.

Norida said...

ehem3..

syafiq kadir said...

ehem.. a surprise visitor.

Norida said...

ceh..;p

Fharina said...

i miss you too sk. more than you know. :))

syafiq kadir said...

hye awak! but i doubt it will be more than i do. :P
nak balik. :(

Belle Bedazzled said...

OMG!!
aku nanges kowt bce entry nih..
really!!You're the man SK..
soo cute!sweet!and adorable!!
wish to knw more and more..
whatever pn good luck for ur studies!! Keep it up bro.. aku sokong kaw.. lalalalala...

syafiq kadir said...

jangan lah nangis. :) this is my life and i choose it to be this way.
ada lagi nal tulis. tapi later lah.
tapi tak sangka pun ada pembaca. :D
anyway thanks belle! :)

nanase said...

ABANG!!!!nana nages sedu2 kt opis bace..huhuh

syafiq kadir said...

nana bace ke? :)
well, this is my favorite entry so far.

Anonymous said...

sob3...
awk rindu die ey masa tulis ni...
awk kena kuatttttttttttt....okeh!!

syafiq kadir said...

:) bukan masa tu je,
tiap2 masa pun rindu mereka.
they are my bestfriend!
saya kuat! yeah!

rozy asrawaldo said...

kaw kaw punya sweet lah lu bro!


gua ingat perempuan je boleh betul2 sayang kan lelaki sampai gua tak percaya yang lelaki boleh sayang perempuan. siyes, bagi gua lelaki tak pernah serius. tapi you prove me that i am totally wrong.

thanks :)
haha

syafiq kadir said...

ish. i'm not as sweet as u think i am. biasa2 aje. :)

jangan kerana nila setitik, rosak susu belanga. tak semua lelaki serupa.

ure welcome. :)